2004-11-19 - 12:47 a.m.
This is a copy of what i posted in the ventspace journal...
So i went to the mall this afternoon, a typical activity for me when I have absolutely nothing better to do. I figured that I would treat myself to a nice healthy fast food lunch and possibly get some early Christmas shopping done. My first stop when I arrived there was the One Hour Photo place. I wanted to get a disposable camera developed. The camera wasn't mine though, It was a camera that I had found at a party several months ago and figured that maybe there were some "interesting" pictures on the roll that would make it worthwhile. After the pictures were developed, though, there was absolutely nothing of interest on it at all. There were a couple pictures of some ugly girls hanging out and the rest of the roll was pictures of a new-born baby. That made me feel a little bad because these pictures would never reach the hands of the owner, but that's what you get for leaving your camera laying around at some kids house in the middle of a party. After i got the pictures developed i went over to the food court to have a nice lunch. I got two McChicken Sandwiches and a McFries from McDonalds (obviously) and I got four soft taco supremes from Taco Bell. I sat down somewhere in the middle of the food court to begin eating my meal alone. So i was consuming my thousands of calories when i realized that the girl i took to my junior prom was sitting at the table across from me with some guy i've never seen before. She noticed me at about the same time and waved. I waved back for a second and then realized how much of a complete loser and waste of life i must look like to her at the moment. There i was sitting in the mall alone eating a ridiculously unhealthy fast food meal while i don't even work in the mall. Then i realized that not only did i look like a loser from her point of view but that over the past couple years i really have become a complete and total loser. Since i graduated high school, i have dropped out of a college, gained 50+ pounds, lost any sense of pride in myself, completely lost interest in school, and completely lost touch with a large percentage of people i used to call friends. I realized that when i think about it I have absolutely nothing to look forward to every day, week, month, year, and pretty much for the rest of my life. Nothing really interests me or makes me happy at all. Like there is not really a thing in this world that i actually look forward to doing at all except maybe seeing star wars in may. I decided that i really need to find something in my life to pursue or look forward to or i am just going to continue to become more and more of a complete waste of life which is exactly what i am right now, I mean I am a 22 year old virgin who goes to a community college and spends his free time eating at the mall alone...right. So anyway, I finished my healthy meal and headed home. I came online and started reading some of the posts on this journal. One of them referred to Ward coming home in a little more than a month and how he was going to whip this town back into shape. My response to that was pretty much that nothing could whip this town back into shape. Don't get me wrong, i look forward to seeing ward jkust as much as everyone else, but this town is becoming more and more empty and boring to me by the day. I mean, when i think about places i want to live for the rest of my life boonton and freehold are the only two towns that i really would love to live, and i have been to many places in the world on vacation and shit, but i'm a jersey boy at heart and couldn't see myself living anywhere else. That's one of the reasons i had to come home from bumblefuck, pennsylvania, but this town has slowly become shit in the last few years. I mean most of my friends have gone away to school or have moved away permanently and more of them join that group every day. There's only like two people in this town that i hang out with on a semi-regular basis and we really don't do much at all around here. You either hang out in someone's house, drink, poker, bowling, mall, or movies. It's not like there's anything that great to do around here anyway. And on top of all of that, the one place that i always could go over the past few years to escape, hang out, and have a good time at was just sold, and before i know it even that's gonna be gone. The fact that the wemrock house is gonna be dead in like two months depresses me just as much as my own worthlessness. It's a place where i had lots of memories and now it's not gonna be there for anyone anymore. It just sucks. Man everything around here slowly disappears or begins to suck nowadays. Nothing around here makes me happy and there's really nothing great to ever look forward to. I really need to find something to actually work towards or look forward to soon or i'm going to drown in this town and it's dark abyss along with everything else around here that i ever loved. At least in the next couple weeks, my only friends left in this world are coming home and i'll be able to spend some time with them, but other than that all roads lead to shit for me.
Sorry but this is "Ventspace"
G-Rard
